"I've been let down by my Maid of Honour..."

“Is it bad that I feel really let down by my Maid of Honour? My hen do felt like an afterthought, no real effort, no attention to detail, nothing that made it feel like my weekend. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I can’t ignore how disappointed I feel. Am I being unfair?”

Ohh no, I’m sorry you feel so disappointed. Of course you do. You had an expectation, it mattered to you, and it didn’t land. And I have to say, you’re not alone in this… hens are notoriously a bit of a headache, so let’s just break it down.

The weirdest thing about getting married is that everything and nothing is in your control at the same time. Your expectations are high, but so much of it sits in other people’s hands. Bridesmaids, suppliers, all of it. And if you’re not prepared for that, it can feel really uncomfortable. 

People cannot hear what you do not say. It’s a responsibility for everyone to clearly communicate expectations from both sides to ensure everyone is happy… but I do know this is easier said than done!!

When it comes to your hen, your Maid of Honour, your bridesmaids… how much effort they put in, how they see the role, how organised or thoughtful they are, that’s not yours to manage. What is yours is the story you attach to it and what you do next.

I’d look at this in three simple ways. First, what’s actually going on here? Is this her being deliberately off, or is it just a mismatch in expectations? Then decide if it’s even something you want to address. Second, take a bit of control back. If you feel like something was missing, you’re allowed to create it for yourself. And third, be really clear on what you want going into the wedding so this doesn’t happen again.

You could hold onto it and let it quietly taint everything, or you can accept it was a bit underwhelming and focus on what you can do next to shift how it feels. Not everything has to feel perfectly resolved in your head, you can just decide to move forward from it.

And honestly, the hurt is usually less about the hen itself and more about what you’ve made it mean. It’s very easy to go to “she didn’t really care about me.” Sometimes that’s true, but often it’s not that simple. People get things wrong. They underestimate what matters. They think something will be fine without realising how important it feels to you. It’s frustrating, but it doesn’t automatically mean she doesn’t love or value you.

I also wouldn’t rush to say anything unless you can clearly point to moments where she ignored something you actually asked for. Once something’s said, you can’t take it back. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, you chose her as your Maid of Honour, so you know her. Maybe this just isn’t her strength. Planning, money, coordinating people… it can be a lot, and not everyone is good at it. Even just trying to see it from her side can take some of the edge off how you’re feeling.

If it does still sit with you, there is a calm way to say it without making it a big thing. Something like, “I think I had more expectation around the hen than I realised, and I did feel a bit disappointed, but I also didn’t really say what I wanted.” It keeps it honest without turning it into blame.

You could also just create the moment you feel like you missed. I actually did an “again-do” abroad with a best friend after her wedding because trying to coordinate everything before was just too tricky. It doesn’t have to be perfect first time round, you can completely rip up the rule book.

Work out what would genuinely make you feel better, sort it, and don’t carry it into your wedding. It’s too important to let something like this take up more space than it should.